Smallville Rangers
by paco fajita
Summary: A humorous take on a SmallvillePower Rangers crossover. When I first wrote this story, I hadn't slept in four days. I was talking about Lana, Nancy Reagan, Power Rangers, William Shatner, Sherman tanks and... oh, goats. Here's what came of it. One shot.


It was a typical day in Smallville. But then, aside from what could be considered typical, what was typical anyway? There was the Talon, the Kent Farm, the LuthorCorp Plant, Lex's mansion that kept the town occupied, but typical seemed to be shy of normal in this town.

Aside from the freaks, explosions, the occasional meteor shower and an alien following bigger than Area 51, Smallville was normal. If normal could be defined.

Needless to say, in one of Smallville's few "normal" days, people tended to forget the explosions, random acts of God and Lionel Luthor along with their brains frying in the summer heat.

The Kent Farm was always in a bevy of activity. On this day, the driveway was littered with automobiles. "What is this? A farm or a used car lot?" Jonathan Kent would shout, looking through the screen door.

On this day, it was so hot outside that the chickens were laying hard boiled eggs and the cows were sizzled into well-done steaks, prime for eating.

"I made lemonade and cookies, kids!" Martha Kent said, pulling a burning hot tray of chocolate-chip cookies from the oven.

Lex Luthor, boy billionaire jumped from sitting Indian style on the couch of the Kent home, bounding to the kitchen, chanting, "Mmm. Mrs. Kent, I love your cookies They're filled with chocolaty goodness and the love of a lovely loving mother that loves little Lex Luthor!"

"Aww, Lex, that's so sweet of you," Martha said, pinching the socialite's cheeks playfully.

Following him was his girlfriend Lana Lang. "Yay! I love cookies! Especially when they have pink icing on them. Yay! The lemonade is pink, too!" she chanted in a high-pitched, incredibly shrill voice.

On the couch, sweating up a storm, Lois Lane fanned herself with her tight-fitting t-shirt and said to Clark Kent, who was sitting next to her, "Hurry up and find something to watch dork."

Clark grinned, fiddled with the tv remote and said, "I'd much rather watch that wet t-shirt contest you've got going on."

Sitting at Clark's feet, Chloe Sullivan slapped Clark's shin and said in defense of her cousin, "Hey, super boy, get your eyes off my cousin's ta-tas."

Clark laughed to himself and flipped through the channels.

From behind them, Pete Ross came out from the hall and said, "Man, do not go in that bathroom anytime soon!"

Behind him, Shelby the dog wandered into the noxious bathroom and started drinking from the bowl. "Gross, Shelby!" Pete said, grimacing. "I just used that thing!"

"Oh! Stop there," Lois said, slapping Clark across his shoulder, signaling for him to quit changing the channels.

Laughing at her, Clark said, "Spiderman? You actually believe that some guy could get super powers from a spider bite?"

"Better than getting them from being born on another planet, Chloe snickered, slapping Clark across the shin again.

Clark scoffed nervously at her and said, "Is this everybody's day to hit me or something?"

"Mmm, mmm, Mrs. Kent," Pete started. "I need to come back from Wichita more often for these delicious cookies!"

Martha smiled.

Lex shoved a hot cookie into his mouth, recoiling at the intense heat in his mouth, hissing as he swallowed it. "Mmm! Hurts so good!" he sang, licking the melted chocolate smears from his fingers as he danced in the kitchen.

Lana eyeballed the pink lemonade and said, "I love pink. Don't you Princess Moonfire?" Obviously referring to her invisible friend.

"Change the channel, Smallville," Lois demanded, trying to take the remote from him. "Spiderman is boring."

Jerking the remote from Lois, Clark said, "Hey now, I'm the keeper of the remote. I'll do the channel surfing if you don't mind."

"Give me the stupid remote, Smallville!" Lois shouted, slapping Clark across the side of his head, crawling into his lap to take it from him.

Clark jerked away from her again, this time, dropping the remote to the floor, shattering it into several large, computerized pieces.

"Smooth move, Clark," Pete said, leaning over the back of the couch.

From the kitchen, Lex started jumping up and down, repeating, "You dropped the remote! Wait, is that anything like dropping the soap? Hold on! That could be my new invention! Remote on a rope! Never lose your remote again!"

There was a knock at the screen door. Holding his glass of pink lemonade, Jonathan looked through at the old man in a TV repairman's outfit and said, "Can I help you?"

"I hear you've got a problem with your television," the man said.

Jonathan looked puzzled at the man and said, "Yeah, how'd you know? My son just broke the remote."

Martha, in her country hospitality, walked to the door and said, "Come in, come in. Let's get you out of that heat!"

"That's kind of you, ma'am. I'm just here to fix your TV, though," the man said.

Lex was thinking long and hard about where he'd seen this man before. He couldn't quite place it, snapping his fingers repeatedly. "Hold on!" he exclaimed, as if he'd had an epiphany. "You're the guy from the Andy Griffith Show! I watch that show every night on TV Land while I stroke my peni-- err... nevermind. Only having one bullet in your gun-- genius!"

The repair man laughed at him and said, "You've got the wrong guy."

Chloe, getting up from her reclined position on the floor, walked into the kitchen and said, "Yeah Lex, that guy died months ago."

The repairman cackled and walked into the den. He pulled a large remote out of his bag and handed it to Lois. "Here you go, young lady," he said.

Clark scowled at Lois incredulously. "Dude, what did you give Lois the remote for? I'm the remote king today!"

Lois grinned at Clark and said, "Obviously he knows who has better taste in low budget entertainment."

The man smiled at everyone, saluted them all and started walking out the door from which he entered. "Have fun, everyone!" he said, waving to them from behind.

Jonathan was still puzzled. He found it to be incredibly strange that some random old codger gave them a new remote for no reason.

Everyone in the house stared out the door as the old man disappeared into the mirage of the sun's rays baking the Kansas landscape.

Lana, still grinning like an idiot at the pink lemonade jug said, "I just love pink."

Lex reached for another cookie, just to have his hand slapped by Martha. "No Lex. You just burnt yourself. Wait for them to cool."

Recoiling his hand, Lex's lower lip quivered as he started at a cookie with intent. He reached again, only to be slapped away by Martha.

She gave him a stern motherly look and said, "Lex, I said no! Don't make me put you in time out!"

Walking out of the bathroom, Shelby made his way into the kitchen, sniffing at Lana's butt.

She turned around and said, "Hello puppy!" Reaching down to pet him, Shelby growled and snapped at her.

"Shelby!" Jonathan chided, scowling at his pet.

With everyone watching, Lex got down in a catcher's position and said, "Hello there, good boy!" Shelby started licking Lex's face. "That's a good boy!" Lex repeated, clearly unaware that the mutt had been drinking the water from the toilet after Pete's visit.

Lois made a face, obviously disgusted and said, "Well now. I think I just threw up in my mouth."

Clark took the opportunity to snatch the remote from Lois. This time Pete got in on the action and tried to grab the remote himself.

Chloe looked at the three of them and said, "I'm surrounded by retards!"

The TV changed channels rapidly, stopping on The Dukes of Hazzard.

_"Just a good ol' boys!"_ the TV droned.

"Oh gross, change the channel," Chloe said, not wanting to watch.

Jonathan looked into the den and said, "Hey, I happen to like that show, thank you very much!"

Lois, still trying to wrangle the remote from Clark and Pete said, "Yeah, it goes along with your Gene Autry singing cowboy records." Changing the focus of her conversation, Lois said, "Clark, give me the remote or you'll be crapping flannel for a month!"

The TV changed again, shouting _"Go, go Power Rangers!"_

Pete, emerging victorious in the fight for the remote, pressed a large red button. The whole house started shaking.

"I like pink," Lana repeated. "Don't you, Princess Moonfire?"

The house was still shaking. Lex, Jonathan, Martha, Chloe, Pete, Lana, Clark and Chloe were unaware of how their seemingly "normal" Smallville day was about to change.

"Oh ! It's one of those earth things! We're all gonna die!" Lex said unabashedly as he ran around the kitchen in circles.

In an instant, Martha disappeared. "Martha!" Jonathan screamed, jumping after the flash of light that was his wife. As fast as she disappeared, Jonathan was lifted into the air and thrown into the den, crashing into the TV. Disappearing himself, Jonathan reappeared inside the TV, staring at Clark, Lois, Pete and Chloe, who were equally staring back at him, terrified of the earthquake, yet curious as to how Jonathan got inside of the TV.

As quickly as the earthquake started, it ended.

Lana looked around with eyes full of wonder. "Whoa. That felt like what we do in my bed every night, Lex."

"Did it make you feel all yum-yum inside?" Lex asked.

Before Lana could answer, there was a sound from a new voice --a British one-- one that the group of friends had never heard before. "There's no time for that, you follically-challenged idiot!"

All of them looking around the room, Clark got up from the couch and demanded, "Who said that?"

Following him, Pete and Lois looked around for the voice.

There was a pawing at Lana's feet. "Hello there, Mr. Puppy!" Lana said in a patronizing, yet still shrill voice.

"My name is Shelby, now get it right b!tch," the dog said growling at Lana.

Lana jumped back and started shaking her finger at the dog. "Now. Mr. Puppy. It's not nice to say words like that. Now say you're sorry."

Interjecting, Chloe said, "Lana shutup." She looked at the dog, amazed at the newsworthiness of a talking dog. "Did you just talk, Shelby."

"I never should have let you keep the dog, Clark," Lex said. "I should have taken him to the circus if I knew he could talk! I would have made millions!"

Chloe looked up at Lex and said, "Lex, shutup," just as plainly as she'd told Lana.

Shelby looked at Clark and said, "There's no time! Lionel Luthor is creating a monster in the LuthorCorp Plant so he can take over Smallville!"

"Daddy?" Lex questioned, confused not only at the talking dog, but that his father had been creating a monster right under his nose.

Clark leaned down and rubbed his dog's head. "Shelby, what do we need to do?"

Before Shelby could answer, there was a sound of knocking on glass. "Hello?" Jonathan said. "I'm trapped in the stupid TV!"

In the same instant, the phone rang. Lex, closest to the phone, picked it up and said, "Kent residence, where the dogs are 'a talkin'!"

"What?" Martha said on the other end of the line.

Lex grinned and said, "Hi Mrs. Kent. Can I have another cookie now?"

"Lex," Martha started. "Give the phone to Clark."

Lex did as he was asked, but before he gave it to Clark, he put it back to his ear and said, "And then I can have another cookie?"

"Yes, you can have another cookie," Martha said.

Lex grinned and threw the phone at Clark, then grabbed three cookies and shoved them into his mouth all at once. "Cookie, cookie, cookie! Cookie starts with C!" he sang obnoxiously.

Clark put the phone to his ear, slightly disgusted at his rich friend's actions and said, "Hi mom."

"Clark, I'm at the Talon. Somehow..." Martha said.

Looking at his dad in the TV, Clark said into the receiver, "Well, that's better than dad. He's stuck in the TV."

"What?" Martha said.

Jumping up on Clark, Shelby said, "There's no time for that! I've got to get you ready to fight Lionel's monster!"

"Mom?" Clark started. "I've got to let you go. Just stay at the Talon. Something bad is about to happen."

Lex, with his mouth full, made a dirtier version of the remark Clark just made. "Te ship's 'bouch doo hit da flam!" He grinned, his teeth filled with melted chocolate.

Lois walked up behind Clark and grabbed the phone. "Yeah, Mrs. Kent?" she started. "Your husband is in the TV, the furball is talking and Lex is--" she paused and looked at the eccentric billionaire, "still Lex. We'll talk to you later." She clicked off the receiver and said, "Ok, mutt. Talk."

Shelby said, "Follow me," and walked into the den.

They all did as they were told.

Pressing his wet nose to the TV, a schematic appeared, outlining six bodies, all in different colors. There was a knock coming from the screen. "Hey! I'm back here!" Jonathan said, still trapped inside the TV. "Shelby, don't make me spank you, boy!" Jonathan said.

"Hold on Mr. Kent," Shelby said. "Now, Rangers--" he started.

"Rangers?" Pete said enthusiastically deducing from the colored suits on the screen. "You mean like Power Rangers?"

Shelby looked at Pete and nodded.

"Oh yeah! Clark, man! You remember, we used to play Power Rangers with Greg Arkin as a kid!" Pete said, filled with vigor for what was about to happen.

"Power Rangers," Lois said, furrowing her lip. "What the hell? I always watched Miami Vice as a kid!"

Shelby turned away and said, "Please, everyone, follow me to the barn."

"What's a Power Ranger?" Lex asked.

"It's a TV show," Chloe said. "One that I cannot stand."

"A TV show? Like He-Man?" Lex's eyes widened as he started jumping up and down again.

All of them did as they were asked and left the house for the barn. From behind them, they could hear a tapping on the screen again. "Hey guys!" Jonathan said. "I'm still stuck in the TV!"

In the barn, Shelby started nosing the footlocker in front of Clark's couch. "Clark, please open this."

Clark did as he was told and opened the trunk. Revealing its prize, there were six morphers sitting inside, each wrapped in an ornate silk cloth.

"Chloe, please step forward," Shelby ordered.

Chloe did as she was told. "What now, woofy?" Chloe asked.

"Please, pick up the yellow morpher, please."

Chloe did as she was told yet again.

"You are the spirit of the saber-toothed tiger."

"Lois," Shelby said.

"Yeah? What is it fleabag?" Lois said mean-spiritedly.

"You're blue. The spirit of the triceratops."

"Sounds great," Lois spat sarcastically. "I always did like the horny dinosaur."

"Pete," Shelby said, making his rounds.

Highly enthused and with a sh!t-eating grin on his face, Pete stepped forward eagerly and said, "What about me Shelby?"

"Pete. Take the black morpher. You--" Shelby said, getting cut off by Pete's next statement.

"Black? How come I'm the Black Ranger? Is it just because I'm black? Are you typecasting me? Like everything I've done since I left the show in the first place?"

Shelby scowled at Pete and said, "Just take the damned morpher. You're the mastodon. Get your ass back in line."

Pete did as he was told and shuffled back into the row of his friends.

"Lana," Shelby said.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Lana started. "Can I be pink? Pretty please, Mr. Puppy?"

Shelby sighed and said, "Lana, it's as if you read my mind. You're pink. The spirit of the pterodactyl."

Lana giggled and said, "Yay! Pink!"

"Lex," Shelby sighed, getting slightly tired of the introduction to their morphers. "You're red. Tyrannosaurus."

Lex reached into the chest and pulled his out with much vigor. "Yay! I get to be He-Man! By the power of Greyskull!"

"Lex shutup," Shelby said. "And finally, Clark. Come forward."

Nervously, Clark stepped forward and shivered a bit.

"You are the leader. White, and pure of heart. You are the spirit of the white tiger. Take it with pride."

Clark reached into the box and pulled out his morpher, the coin inside glowing in the reflection of the sun.

"Now," Shelby said. "Clark, repeat after me. 'It's Morphin' Time!"

Clark furrowed his brow a little and repeated quizzically, 'It's... Morphin'... Time?' "

In an instant, all of them were acting not of their will.

Pete screamed, "Mastodon!"

Lana squealed against her will, "Pterodactyl!"

Lois yelled next, "Triceratops!"

Followed by Chloe with a call of, "Saber-toothed tiger!"

Then Lex with, "Tyrannosaurus!"

And finally, Clark with, "White Tiger!"

In an instant, they were all changed into lavish plastic suits with matching helmets.

Lex looked at himself through the mask and said, "Woah. I bet my Rosenboner would look great poking out of this thing!"

Pete eyed his suit also and said, "Great. I'm black as Wesley Snipes."

Lana squeed with delight and said, "Oh! It's perfect! It's so perfectly pink!"

Chloe moaned and said, "I look like a sunflower! Does this suit come in cargo pants?"

Before Lois could say anything, Lex looked at Clark, clad in a white suit with a gold shield. Incredulous, Lex pointed at Clark and said, "Hey! How come he gets a shield? I want a frickin' shield"

"Lex," Lois started, adjusting her suit. "Just shut up. I'm the one that looks like little boy blue here. And what's with this suit? My boobs don't fit! What about my hair? It's all helmet-y! I swear, mutt. I'm getting you neutered when this is over!"

Clark laughed at her through his mask.

Lois scowled at Clark through hers. He could feel the heat coming from her eyes, even though he couldn't see them. "Laugh it up. I'm going to shove one of these triceratops horns right up your as--"

Shelby cut her off. "Please, go! Lionel Luthor is preparing his monster as we speak!"

"Come on guys!" Clark ordered, acting in his role as team leader.

Lois sighed and looked at the dog. "Do I really have to listen to flannel over there? How come you couldn't have made his suit look like the guy on the paper towel roll?"

Shelby nodded silently.

Lana was still giggling with delirious delight over her new pink suit.

"Ok guys, let's go take care of Lionel Luthor's monster!" Clark said.

Not exactly expecting a round of motivational war cries, Clark heard Lois and Chloe effuse over how stupid this was, while simultaneously hearing Lana make a comment about pink and Lex yell, "I've got a boner!" Pete was silent.

"I guess that'll do," Clark said, leaving the barn, agreeing in his mind with Lois and Chloe.

_Meanwhile..._

"That's right. Soon you will be powerful enough to take over Smallville!" Lionel cackled manically.

"Waah!" The monster screamed as Lionel injected him with more Kryptonite. "Destroy! Smallville!"

Still laughing manically, Lionel composed himself long enough and said, "My first step to taking over the world! I will be the unilateral monopoly of the entire planet!"

"Uuungh," the creature moaned, growing a noticeably large erection.

Disgusted, Lionel tired to shy away his eyes. "Good Lord, man. Can you not contain your excitement?"

The monster, horns sticking out of his face, covered in hair, said, "Oh. Sorry. I get a little excited from time to time.

Lionel furled his lip and said, "Get out of here. Go terrorize Smallville! From henceforth, you shall be known as FOTW!"

Looking at him funny, the creature said, "FOTW? Is that the best you can come up with?"

Lionel ran his hand through his mane and said, "Umm. On short notice, yes. Why?"

"No reason," the monster said, walking out of the secret lab. "Just curious."

Lionel shrugged his shoulders and walked toward a television set. "Now, time to see what kind of crazy guest Jerry Springer has today."

---

Running down the main street of Smallville, the six of them multi-colored, attracted a lot of attention from the residents of town.

From in front of the Talon, a man cried, "Lookey here! It's the Rainbow Coalition!"

Lois stopped running and looked at him, using excessive body language. "Hey, redneck! What do you know about the Rainbow Coalition? I bet if I came in your house, you'd be a closet cross-dresser!"

The man shied into the Talon without replying.

"Wait!" Clark yelled, trying to get his friends to stop. "I need to check on my mom!"

Lex, huffing, completely out of breath said, "Oooh! Can I get a muffin while we're in there?"

Using too much body language of his own, Clark motioned to Lex, "No! Stick to the mission! We've got to stop your dad's monster!"

"I like Will Farell," Lana said.

Chloe stared at her and said, "What does that have to do with anything?"

Lana giggled, posing like an anime girl.

Pete pulled the black suit out of his butt crack and said, "This suit is riding up on me. Let's hurry and get this over with."

Running out of the Talon, Martha saw all of the colored people standing in the street. "Who-- I mean what are you?"

Clark, with more obnoxious body language, said, "Mom, it's me. Lionel is doing something horrible and Dad is still stuck in the TV!"

Martha looked at Clark funny, mocked his arm-flailing and said, "Clark... Why are you throwing your arms around like that when you talk?'

Clark got quiet and stood perfectly still and upright. Finally able to reply, he started spasming again and said, "I don't know Mom! When I talk, I can't make my arms quit moving!"

Just then, there was a large explosion, cheap fireworks flying out of the side of a building on Smallville's main street. The building, like a poorly-made film set, collapsed under the destruction of the monster parading toward the young heroes.

"Mom!" Clark yelled. "Get back in the Talon!"

Martha did as she was told and fled from the scene.

"Look!" Lois said, pointing enthusiastically at the monster, "It's that thing Lionel made. And boy, is it ugly."

Clark turned around and said, "Yeah, it looks worse than those pancakes that you made that morning."

In silence, Lois smacked Clark across the shoulder like she always did at his offhand comment.

From Clark's wrist, there was a beeping sound. Clark raised it to his helmet, his motion way to excessive in the process, and heard his dad talking.

"Clark!" Jonathan said through the communicator.

"Dad?" Clark said, speaking into his wrist.

Lex walked up to Clark and said, "Whoa! You've got a telephone in your hand! What a great invention! Who beat me to it? Bruce Wayne? I'll kick his lilly ass!"

Jonathan sighed and said, "Lex, you have one too. All of you do."

Looking at his wrist, Lex looked at the little wristwatch and said, "Look! You think it gets iTunes?"

"Clark, pay attention," Jonathan said.

His attention snapped back to his wrist as he saw the monster approaching them. "Dad! What do we do?"

"Look at your waist. You've all got guns. Except for Lex. His is just a toy. Shoot at the monster!" Jonathan ordered.

Clark, with an unusual amount of body motion, looked at his waist. Magically, a gun and holster appeared at his waist. He grabbed it and started shooting wildly at the monster, rays of green light came out of it.

Hitting the monster hard, cheap fireworks flew out of his body; it fell hard to the ground. Getting back up, the monster shouted, "Now! Let me call in reinforcements! Go, LuthorCorp janitors!"

Out of nowhere, six fully-uniformed crazy people with plungers as weapons appeared out of the middle of nowhere, making weird noises.

"Oh jeez," Lois said sarcastically, "It's the goon patrol."

Lex pulled out his gun and pulled the trigger manically. The gun only made a popping sound. "Bang, bang, bang! You're dead!" Lex chanted, his gun not doing anything.

Chloe and Pete ran forward and started kicking and flailing at the janitors. "Kyah!" Chloe cried.

"Hey there, Chloe!" Pete started, applying a pile-driver to one of the janitors. "Where did you learn the karate?"

"I don't know!" Chloe shouted, kicking her foe in the chest.

Cowering in the background stood Lana, not wanting to approach the enemies her friends were facing. Lois ran back to her and said, "Come on Mulana. You're a part of this too!"

Lois pushed her into the frey, then applied her own military training on two janitors at once.

Lana, terrified at what was about to happen, she lightly thumped one of them on the chest. She cowered back in fear and ran underneath a car parked on the street.

All of them dispatching the enemies one by one as Lex stood on the back lines playing with his toy gun, Pete pulled out his pistol and fired wildly by one of their enemies. Missing, he hit the car Lana was hidden under, it exploding into a fire ball, billowing high into the air.

Lana's body flew high into the sky, falling backward on the street. With some more excessive gyrations, she recoiled on the street, then screamed, "You burnt my pretty pink suit, Pete!"

The janitors, falling to the ground in defeat, disappeared into the hot Kansas summer.

Lana got off the ground and started rubbing her pink plastic suit. "That dumb ol' Pete. He made me burn my suit." She kept rubbing the pink plastic, everyone looking blankly at her like she was an idiot.

"Whoa mama!" the monster said, growing another erection.

Chloe looked at him and said, "Eww. Gross. Can't you keep it in your pants?"

"Umm, sorry," the monster said, vainly trying to put his hands over the ever growing bulge forming at his waist.

"Over Lana?" Lois asked, disturbed at the monster's taste.

Clark, in disgust and anger, ran to the monster, attempting to super-throw him into defeat like he'd always done. Hitting the monster, it threw Clark into the glass window of Fordman's Department Store.

"Clark!" Chloe screamed, running over to the object of her fantasies, making sure he was ok. "What happened?" Chloe asked quietly, not letting the others in on her secret with Clark.

"I don't know," Clark said, hopping up to face the monster again. "I think it was made with Kryptonite. I'm not going to be able to hurt it, but I can't let them know."

"I'll take care of it," Chloe said walking away from the window. In a yellow fury, she approached the monster and kicked it square in the crotch.

"Ohhhhhh!" it wailed, falling to the ground, holding the subsiding boner and offended testicles. "Why did you kick me in the nuts?"

Lois and Pete ran up to Chloe. Pete said, "Daaaang, Chloe. You've got some mad skills!"

Lois patted her cousin on the shoulder and commented, "Looks like you got him. There won't be any little monsters from that one."

From behind them, a large limousine pulled up. The monster writing on the ground, the colorful sextet looked at the door, waiting for it to open.

Lionel Luthor stepped out of limo and looked at the mass of monster whimpering on the ground. "What? FOTW? You couldn't even defeat them? You are an embarrassment to all of my Level 3 projects!"

"Daddy!" Lex screamed, running to his father in his suit. Embracing him, he yelled, "I knew Level 3 was real. That's where you hid my playhouse."

"Lex?" Lionel said in utter confusion. "What are you doing in that horrible red suit?"

Clark stepped up behind Lex and said with excessive hand gyrations, "We're going to defeat you and your sketchy monsters!"

Lex turned around and yelled, "Clark! Don't talk to my daddy that way!" Lex pushed Clark backward.

"Lex, what are you doing?" Chloe asked, worried at the strange parental attachment.

Lana giggled inanely.

Lionel, taken aback by the hug from Lex, stepped away from the colorful group and pulled out a purple rock. "Get up, FOTW!"

The monster did as it was told, still holding its offended crotch and said, "Ugh. Ok."

Lionel threw the rock at the monster, hitting it across the head. The rock fell to the ground.

"Ow! What the hell was that?" the monster exclaimed at Lionel, rubbing its offended head.

The six heroes stared at Lionel curious as to what he just did.

"Dude," Pete asked, "What the hell was that?"

Lionel stood in silence for a moment. "Umm. Al Gough gave it to me. It's Fuscia Kryptonite. He told me I could make up a power for it. I guess I forgot that part."

"What?" the monster asked, confused and still rubbing his head.

"Umm," Lionel stuttered. "Fuscia Kryptonite... umm... Gives you the power to, umm... grow 50 times your size!"

The monster bellowed so loud that all the windows on the block shattered. Clark, Chloe, Lois, Lana, Lex and Pete all held their ears, the horrible sound piercing their eardrums.

Immediately, the monster grew to a massive size, stomping some buildings in the small downtown area.

"Holy crap! Look at that!" Lex exclaimed. "His penis is huge!"

Lana giggled and shied away from his nether-regions. "Lex, I can't look at his wee-wee. That's immodest."

Again, the communicator on Clark's wrist chimed again. "Yeah Dad?" Clark asked.

"Clark! You need to say, 'We need Dinozord power, now!" Jonathan said.

In all seriousness, Clark spoke into the communicator and said, "Dad? How do you know this stuff?"

Behind Clark, Lex spoke into his communicator and said, "Can I download Golddigger? Does the download cost 99 cents?"

Jonathan refused to answer his son's question on his knowledge. "Just say it, son!"

"Umm, ok Dad," Clark said consigning himself to the second stupid phrase he had to say that day. "We, uh... need Dinozord power... now."

---

As automatically as before, the six of them stopped everything they were doing, including Lex who was squealing, "I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger..." They all reached into the air and said, "We need Dinozord power, now!"

Pete screamed, "Mastodon!"

Lana squealed against her will, "Pterodactyl!"

Lois yelled next, "Triceratops!"

Followed by Chloe with a call of, "Saber-toothed tiger!"

Then Lex broke with his song and screamed, "Tyrannosaurus!"

And finally, Clark with, "White Tiger!"

The ground started rumbling and large plastic-looking computerized extinct animals came running toward them from the distance, the Metropolis skyline a vague shadow behind them.

"Clark," Jonathan said from the communicator. "Jump!"

Finally deciding not to question his father, Clark jumped straight up into the air, landing on the top of the tiger that was growling at the monster with a giant erection standing in front of them.

"Whoa!" Chloe exclaimed. "Talk about Air Jordan!"

Pete threw his arms into the air and said, "For a white guy, he's got more jump than Larry Byrd!"

Clark called down to them, "Just jump! You'll make it!"

Pete followed, screaming, "Boo-yah!" as he landed in the Mastodon. "Oh look," Pete started. "The CD player in here is a Sony XPlod. I heard you can get a brand new car stereo at Fordman's for just $99.99!" He looked down at the seat and said, "These must be the latest generation of racing harnesses from..." Chloe, from her communicator, cut him off.

"Pete, stop Lemon Pledging those products and just drive the stupid thing," Chloe said.

Lana, in her singed pink glory, started running, then jumped high into the air with a giddy, "Wee!" She landed firmly in the cockpit of the Pterodactyl. "Oh look! It's got a pretty pink button with a clown on it!"

Pressing the button, large lasers shot out of the Pterodactyl's eyes, hitting the Smallville water tower, causing it to collapse in the middle of town, flooding Main Street. "Whoopsie!" she cried.

"What the hell," Lois said, jumping into the air, landing in the Triceratops Dinozord. Unlike Lana, Lois had real controls in her cockpit. "I guess Lana got the toddler version," she postulated, grabbing the handles, making the Triceratops jump high into the air.

Chloe followed, jumping into the air with a "Kyaaah!" all of her own. She landed in the Saber-Toothed Tiger Zord with a hard thump, getting straight down to business in an all-too familiar Chloe-like fashion.

Finally, Lex still planted firmly on the ground, said in awe, "Whoa. Look at that. It's a dragon." He misidentified the Tyrannosaurus as a dragon.

Inside his helmet, Lex heard Lois cry, "Just get in the damned dinosaur, Richie Rich."

Lex giggled to himself and jumped high into the air, smacking firmly against the head of the Tyrannosaurus. "Oww!" Lex cried, prying himself from the hard metal of the dinosaur. "You won't let me in?" he said rubbing the head of the Zord. "Pretty please? I'll make you feel all happy inside. Don't worry, Lex-y has that power when he gets inside someone."

Immediately, the cockpit opened. Lex looked in the cockpit head first with all the awe of a child and said, "Wow. How cool. Hey! A clown button!" He fell into the cockpit head first, landing in the seat upside down.

Clark stared at Lex with a smug disappointment, then from his waist, he heard, "Say 'We need Megazord power.' "

Annoyed at the voice he couldn't identify, he saw a sword on his waist. Pulling it out, he looked at the handle to see a talking tiger's head on the hilt of the sword.

"What?" Clark puzzled.

"Just say it, dumbass," the sword said. "I'm Saaba. Just say it!"

Clark did as he was told, furious about the lunacy of the day and said, "We need Megazord power, now!"

Nothing happened.

"What?" Saaba said. "It always works. Say it again. This time--_emphatically_."

Clark sighed and screamed, "We need Megazord power, now!"

Still nothing.

Clark started looking around. "There's the reason. Lex is over there stomping on cows."

Saaba sighed and said, "Tell him to get back over here."

Clark shouted, the communicator to Lex's helmet heard his cry. "Lex, get over here so we can finish this."

Lex giggled, still stomping on cows, and said, "No way! This is too much fun! I feel like Barbara Streisand on that episode of South Park where she turned into Mecha-Streisand!"

Clark stood there in awe at the stupidity of his friend.

This time, Lex stepped on Lana's old house.

"Hey!" Lana screamed, swooping over Lex's head and said on the verge of tears, "I used to live there and you just stepped on it!"

"Whoops!" Lex cackled, continuing his decimation of the bovine population of Smallville. "Baa-boo-rah!" he sang in a faux Japanese voice. "As long as Robert Smith of The Cure doesn't come after me, I could do this all day!"

Lionel's monster stood wondering how Earth's greatest heroes could possibly have been a group of dysfunctional teenagers, still not attempting to hide his erection. "Can we get on with this already?"

Lois marched her Zord over to Lex and stopped in front of him. Standing there, Lois said, "Hey, I thought I told you to get over here." The Triceratops' head bucked, knocking the Tyrannosaurus to the ground.

Inside his helmet, Lex frowned, terrified of Lois and sullenly pulled himself off the ground, then marched his Zord over to the group, stomping on one last cow for good measure.

"Say it again," Saaba told Clark.

This time, fully infuriated, Clark shouted, "We need Megazord power, now!"

Five of the six Zords drew closer together, almost automatically and began reconfiguring themselves into a new, larger unit.

"Hey!" Lex exclaimed as his own Zord was moving, the arms and legs moving in different directions. "It's a Transformer! Transformers, robots in disguise! Transformers, more than meets the eye!"

Immediately, Clark fell down into the cockpit of his tiger Zord, it reconfiguring itself into the form of a person. "Clark, stick me into the controls!" Saaba ordered.

He did as he was told and started yanking on the sword as a control stick.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the five of them in a new Zord, Lana's Pterodactyl landing on the chest of the newly dubbed Megazord, finishing the process. "Go get him guys!" Clark cried as his own Zord finished changing.

"Oh jeez, Clark said realizing something. "Lex is in control of that thing. Smallville's doomed."

"Oh yes," Saaba said. "I forgot that part. Then there's only one choice."

"What's that?" Clark asked Saaba.

"Call on Mega-Tigerzord power."

Clark had finally reached his boiling point. "What the hell is up with all these configurations, weapons and Zords? Why can't I just super-toss this thing and kill it like I always do?"

Before Saaba could answer, the monster stepped on some buildings on Main Street, still covered in water.

Inside the Megazord, Lex was playing with the controls as Lois said, standing over his shoulder, "Look idiot, you have got to switch seats with me. You can't operate this thing! See? There's no clown button for you. Wouldn't you rather have the clown button than this ugly stick?"

Before Lois was able to finish her statement, Lex had drawn the Megazord's sword. He crooned, "Whoa. Look at that."

Like he knew what he was doing, he stuck the sword high into the air and said, "Thundercats! Ho!"

Lex swooped his arm down in a chopping motion. The sword followed, slicing his father's monster into two pieces, exploding all over the town.

Lois stood there in awe. "Holy crap. He killed it. Lex actually did something right."

Lex turned in his seat and looked at Lois. He said, "It's too bad I killed it. I was going to sing the Voltron theme song!"

Clark, in his own tiger Zord, mumbled to himself, "Lex actually did it..."

Saaba said, "Could have fooled me, too."

Immediately, the six of them were transported from their seats and were back in the Kent farmhouse with their helmets under their arms.

Lois ran her fingers through her hair and said, "Well that's a relief. I had no room to breathe in that thing.

Shelby walked into the room and said, "Congratulations Rangers. You defeated the monster!"

And with that, their suits were off of them, Martha reappeared in the kitchen and Jonathan Kent was thrown from the TV, knocking over the living room couch.

"Dad!" Clark exclaimed, happy his father was out of the TV.

Jonathan sighed and said, "Clark, I was just the lucky contestant on The Price is Right. I was going to win a brand new car! Couldn't you have let the monster stomp on the town a little more?"

Martha sat down next to her husband and said, "I'm just glad you got out of the TV before Baywatch came on."

Lex laughed and said, "Maybe next time I can be the one stuck in the TV! I'd love to be in one of those Baywatch slow motion scenes!"

Reaffixing himself the right way on the couch, Jonathan picked up the remote and changed the channel back to The Dukes of Hazzard. "Yee-ha!" Bo Duke cried.

Lex and Lana wandered back into the kitchen and started shoving their faces with cookies oblivious to what was about to happen.

Jonathan looked down at the remote and said, "Hey, what does this big red button do?" He pressed it.

Clark, Lois, Chloe, Pete and Martha all exclaimed simultaneously, "No!"

The house started shaking again.

"Here we go again," Clark said, rolling his eyes as a large orange car appeared in their driveway.

_The End... Or is it?_


End file.
